“It’s Okay if the Only Thing You Did Today Was Breathe”
This story contains references to suicide and related
experiences, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care while
reading. If you are in crisis or struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a
trusted friend, a mental health professional or call your local crisis hotline.
Dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or visit their website here.
Vulnerability is a strength that is sometimes
misrepresented by many as a weakness. But Madison McNair is a Parkland
behavioral health patient whose superpower comes from her ability and willingness
to share her story.
“I’ve been very open and honest about my journey through
mental health, my chronic illnesses and disabilities,” the Dallas native said,
shedding light on her lifelong battle with mitochondrial disease and PRKAG2
syndrome — two distinct rare genetic disorders that independently affect her
health.
For instance, she describes herself as an ambulatory
mobility aid user, which is a person with a chronic illness or disability who
can walk or stand to some extent but still requires a mobility aid (like a
wheelchair, scooter, walker or cane) to safely and effectively navigate, manage
pain or prevent fatigue.
Yet the 29-year-old handles both with an electric
wheelchair, poise and a smile that comes from years of therapy and
self-acceptance. She could sulk about the circumstances of her physical
anomalies; however, she instead draws inspiration from her physiological
uniqueness.
“Everybody has a different experience, no one’s exactly the
same,” McNair said. “But inclusivity and accessibility are top priority for me
because I’m someone who has not been included in certain things.”
An interpersonal conflict she experienced as a teenager
would unintentionally set the course for the rest of her life. A life’s mission
born out of exclusion and harassment.
Breaking
point
Like most children, adolescence was a weird, transitional
period for McNair.
Coming into her own, staying on top of grades, navigating
friendships; secondary school was challenging enough. Unfortunately, for
15-year-old McNair, the obstacles would mount as she became a victim of
cyberbullying. All while her father was in the hospital during this time,
battling for his life.
“It was scary, we weren’t sure if he was going to make it,”
she remembered. “And then I was also very sick; my chronic illnesses and
disabilities were rapidly progressing.”
Quite the burden to shoulder for a teenager. And it almost
became too much to bear.
“I had some suicidal ideation,” McNair revealed.
Self-harm seemed easier than facing what, to her, felt like
the horror of everyday life. Even amid the storm, however, glimmers of hope
still broke through.
“I don’t think that’s a healthy way to handle these things,”
she said, acknowledging that she at least had the wherewithal to realize
something was wrong.
Reaching
out for help
McNair was sinking. For six months. 182 days.
“I already dealt with fatigue (due to my chronic illnesses),
but this was worse,” McNair said. “I was really irritable and I would have
these phases where I would go between feeling sad and then numb.”
This is when she decided that she needed help.
“I started with therapy and psychiatry at 16 years old.”
An incredible show of vulnerability, introspection and
strength that very well may have saved her life. But healing doesn’t happen
overnight, nor does it follow a straight path, so her recovery took time.
What truly made the difference was when she entered a Partial
Hospitalization Program (PHP), a mental healthcare program that provides four
to six hours of comprehensive care a day for five days a week.
“It took me a year and a half of therapy to get to PHP and that
[PHP] is when I really came out feeling better,” she said.
The care extended beyond just therapists and specialists,
with McNair receiving love and encouragement from her loved ones. They never
judged or condemned her. And that type of pure, unadulterated support meant the
world.
“They’ve been so understanding and supportive,” McNair
shared. “I think that’s a big reason why I felt so comfortable going to
therapy. I was able to do it without any shame or preconceived ideas.”
Even as she entered adulthood and transitioned her care to
Parkland’s Behavioral Health Clinic, her support system never wavered.
Breathing
is enough
Adjusting to a new clinic and different therapists wasn’t
easy; especially when McNair had grown so close with her previous mental health
professional.
“I got really lucky with my first therapist because I know a
lot of people who went through five therapists before they found the one,” she
said.
“But I’ve also gotten really lucky with my Parkland
therapists as well,” McNair shared, reflecting on the four years that have
passed since she started her care at Parkland. “It’s been excellent so far,
they’ve done incredible things for my mental health.”
She’s learned new ways to cope and regulate her emotions by
taking up hobbies, such as coloring, photography, listening to music and
playing video games. On top of that and most importantly, she’s learned to not
be so hard on herself. Memorializing the message by tattooing on her arm, “It’s
okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.”
“As long as you’re here and you’re breathing, that’s okay.
You don’t need to do anything else. Take it one step at a time,” she explained
of the significance behind her body art.
A far cry from the teenage version of McNair once consumed
by depression. Learning to find peace and acceptance in the simplest of things.
Because breathing is an accomplishment. And it is indeed
enough.
Seat at
the table
With more than a decade of experience in therapy, McNair is
proud of the version she sees when she looks in the mirror. She’s worked to
transform herself; going from a quiet introvert to a willing speaker,
advocating for several causes. Calling it one of the most fulfilling things
she’s ever done.
“It feels great. Like let me talk about as much as I can,”
she said jokingly. “But I love it. I do interviews, go to city council meetings.
All different things.”
Her
ultimate goal is to bring greater accessibility for those with disabilities to
Dallas. She believes that, despite the differences that define us as
individuals, those differences are vital in bringing communities closer
together.
“Everything intersects with one another, and I want to
advocate not only for myself but for other people to have a seat at the table
if they want it.”
As May’s Mental Health Awareness Month comes to a close,
it’s important for everyone to have a seat at the table and share their story.
To know that they’re not alone, their experiences matter and are valued.
McNair takes this seriously and has devoted her life to
giving back – volunteering and working alongside different nonprofit
organizations (something she’s done since she was five years old).
Selfless. Courageous. Strong.
This is who she’s always been. Therapy only amplified what
was already inside and now she’s fighting to do the same for others.
To learn more about mental health and the services that Parkland
offers, visit www.parklandhealth.org/behavioral-health/behavioral-health-home.aspx.
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